Kavitha Davidson, a writer for espnW, became a victim of rape 10 years ago. Today she shares her story with the hope that it reaches other victims of sexual assault.Warning: This essay contains graphic content.His image has been forever imprinted on my brain, yet its distorted through the mix of alcohol and drugs that he fed me, and those that I fed myself. I have one memory that slowly but quickly spins into another -- of him on top of me, his face framed by nothing but the darkness of the shadows against the ceiling, the black of the night, the uncertainty of everything around me as I laid there.Its the visage of a man Id like to forget -- that I need to forget, but somehow can still picture in the unreliable space between recollection and nightmare.I probably wanted this man at some point in the night. I probably wanted any man to want me at this point in my 17 years. Id later tell myself I was too old not to have experienced it, that I was probably lucky that somebody chose me. But I was too young to experience it from the much older men who had always paid me unwanted attention, when I had to refuse but didnt know how.Maybe I should have known better. Yes, I probably should have known better. But he should have known better, too.And she was there. And what the f--- was she doing there -- from the beginning, just watching my lifeless body entered, repeatedly, time and again? Was that sexy for her?When I finally regained a semblance of consciousness, when I finally awakened from watching my starring role in my own nightmare, I managed to make out one faint, but decisive word:Stop. And he doesnt Stop. He doesnt Stop. More blood Stop. More tears Stop. More tearing. More blood Riiiiip Stop. Stop. Stop. Please, stop. Please Please Stop. Plea.Ill never know how he explained that away, what he said to convince them that I didnt really mean it. But Ill always know that she told them I said stop in a teasing way. She actually told them that as I bled and cried and wailed for it to end -- that it was all part of some game I wasnt ready to be a part of.She said I was the one -- in the middle of the rug, unable to see or move, yet able to make out the ceiling spinning above me and finally regaining consciousness -- who had wanted this all along. Who had wanted this state of numbness that supposedly precedes euphoria, but in reality is pain apparent before pleasure, none of it intersecting, none of the promises fulfilled, only the solitude of violation setting in.I will always wonder at what point it became too much.At what point did my cries for help echo? At what point did my tears fail to dry? At what point did he finally think Id had enough? At what point did she finally think Id had enough?Was it when the rug was saturated with my blood?She sat at her lofty perch on the couch above me, watching this scene unfold before her.I remember her later dropping me off at my dorm, in front of a security guard who saw my swollen face, my bloody eye, my pupils in the far back end of my head.And I wonder what everyone who saw us thought had happened. And what they thought would happen next.In my dorm room, I remember flashes of falling asleep and, minutes later, flashes of awakening, amid flashes of everything I wasnt sure had happened in the preceding hours. But there were the blood stains and the searing pain -- that pain, shooting up through my thighs to my abdomen, bypassing entirely my stomach and heart, all the way to my throat, where it choked me of every last breath.I remember making my way downstairs, battered and alone, to the security guard with the friendliest face Id seen all night, and asking him to please, please call me an ambulance. I knew something was wrong, he said, as soon as I got downstairs.I remember the most incredible life force I had needed at the time: the rape counselor who held me as I wept uncontrollably and asked me important questions and told me it was OK that I couldnt remember the answers and sat with me in the ambulance as I rambled about how Id let down my family, my mother, my father, my sister, everyone -- everyone I could think of, but myself.I dont remember arriving at the hospital. I remember asking not to call my parents but also a disingenuous plea to call my godmother, knowing full well that, of course she would call them, and of course they would call my sister.I remember the rape kit and being on that bed with that curtain for privacy, as a nurse probed my most sensitive areas, as carefully as she could, through the cuts and scrapes and wounds that were freshly laid there. I remember her trying to do an anal test, and the tissue still being raw from just hours before, and me crying in pain and not knowing what would come next and needing it to stop and feeling utterly stupid for the involuntary screaming that came out of me every time she inserted a swab, even though in the hospital, a swab was really the least of my worries.I still felt as if I was lying helplessly on that carpeted floor, except now I was helpless to rape kits and pregnancy tests and HIV screens.Ill always remember my sister telling me years later that she was right outside that curtain when they did my rape kit. That she thought, rightfully, it would be too much for my parents to handle, and that it might be too much for me knowing forever that they had been there for that. Instead I live with the knowledge that she will always have the sound of my most guttural, instinctual, immediate reaction to pain -- emotional, physical, rote -- in her mind. Those are truly the ties that bind.The years that followed were trying ... to say the least. Thats another chapter in this essay, in this life of trauma and recovery. But this self-indulgent screed isnt just for me, isnt just for my pain and isnt just for my struggle, with which I live each and every day, in ways small and large, and over which I triumph with every additional breath that I take. Its hopefully for all of you, too.I survived. I survive every day. It has been 10 long, hard-fought years, and it hasnt been easy. It probably never will be. And yes, maybe sometimes I have irrational reactions to the most mundane interactions with men, and sometimes women. But Ive earned that, by virtue of simply still being here, still being alive, still somehow being able to trust people and somehow being able to let people in.Thats also a testament to the amazing people around me. Im incredibly lucky that, for the last 10 years, Ive been surrounded by friends who might or might not have known what happened to me, but whove always made me feel loved and welcomed and, most of all, human.When youre raped, its not just your entire humanity thats stripped from you. Its the entire idea of humanity that your rapist tries to strip away. The best revenge is regaining and having that faith in humanity, in empathy, in love, in friendship, in catharsis, in simply feeling, feeling anything -- love, hate, pain, sadness, anger, confusion, dilemma, resolution, and finally, hopefully, peace. Having, in some way, through other people, all of those feelings restored.Thank you to all who continue to contribute to my restoration, a decade later and beyond. To those who have led me not just to recover and survive, but to thrive once more. One day Ill be fully built up on the backs of the great men and women whove supported me along the way.My hope is that my body of work will reach fellow survivors who have experienced similar trauma and doubts and those whose stories differ so greatly from mine. I wasnt raped on campus, and I wasnt raped by a peer or someone I knew, as the vast majority of cases go. But the institutions designed to protect us still end up failing us just the same.My hope is that my writing can also reach those who have neither experienced assault nor known someone who has so that they might more intimately learn these topics we tend to debate in such sterile, public forums.I always say that I write about sports mostly because I love sports so deeply, yet they provide a pure lens through which we can examine the broader issues that touch our society. When an athlete receives favorable treatment in the justice system, its not just because hes famous or talented, though that certainly plays a part. The cases involving star players are exaggerated examples of what happens every day to the everyman and everywoman who dont have heightened profiles and voices. Its you and me times a thousand; its happening everywhere in the exact same way, with fewer cameras and reporters. It still matters. You still matter.Its impossible for me to stick to sports, just as it would be for any industry in which I see harmful patterns repeating themselves, especially when Ive experienced those patterns first-hand. But countless survivors and parents and teachers and, yes, even athletes, have told me that being confronted with these truths does have an impact, however small. Ive had friends and relative strangers alike approach me after reading my accounts of my assault to express shock and indignation (and at times defensiveness), but ultimately, altered thought.And thats really the goal: If I can get just one person to change the way they think about sexual violence, in sports or otherwise, then Ive done my job.But mostly, I write for survivors. A good friend and great writer Jessica Luther, who gives a powerful voice to the cause, often says the most meaningful thing we journalists can do for survivors is simply to listen, to let them tell their stories. Thank you for letting me tell mine.My message to fellow survivors is this: I love you. I see you. I hear you. You are not going anywhere. You will endure longer than the scars you think define you. You will eventually come to a point where you, too, can love, see, hear others again. And you are the reason the rest of us continue to survive. 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CLEMSON, S.C. -- The Latest on the Atlantic Coast Conference removing championships from North Carolina in response to a state law involving LGBT rights (all times local):7:10 p.m.Another North Carolina Republican legislator is raising the prospect of repealing a law about LGBT rights thats caused the NCAA and Atlantic Coast Conference to pull championships from the state this week.Sen. Rick Gunn of Burlington said in a statement late Wednesday hes concerned about the effect House Bill 2 is having on the state and the region he represents and believes its time to modify or possibly repeal it. The ACC is headquartered in nearby Greensboro, which is also where early rounds of the NCAA mens basketball tournament would have been held in March.A GOP senator from suburban Raleigh on Tuesday also urged repeal. Otherwise, Republican legislative leaders and Gov. Pat McCrory have defended the law robustly.Law supporters say it was designed to keep men or boys from sharing school restrooms or locker rooms with girls. Gunn says federal courts should act to do that.6:40 p.m.Gov. Pat McCrory has issued a statement about the Atlantic Coast Conference pulling its championships from North Carolina, making very similar comments that he made about action by the NCAA.But unlike before, the governor didnt directly criticize the ACC, which is based in Greensboro, North Carolina.The ACC moved the championships because of a state law McCrory signed limiting anti-discrimination rules for LGBT people and directing transgender people to use school and government restrooms and locker rooms corresponding to the sex on their birth certificates.McCrory emphasized Wednesday that issues about redefining gender and about privacy will soon be resolved in federal courts. More than 20 states are challenging the federal government on restroom use by transgender people.Without mentioning the ACC, McCrory urged public and private institutions to let the issues take their course in court and avoid economic threats or political retaliation against states challenging the law.---4:30 p.m.A North Carolina congressman is questioning the tax-exempt status of the Atlantic Coast Conference and NCAA after they pulled championship events from the state while citing a state law that critics say discriminates against LGBT people.Republican U.S. Rep. Richard Hudson said Wednesday the actions by the athletic organizations are just political theater close to Election Day. He says looking at their favorable tax position is an avenue we intend to explore, but didnt give details.The ACC and NCAA decided to take away championships because of House Bill 2, which in part stops local governments from passing broad ordinances protecting sexual orientation and gender identity.Transgender people also must use bathrooms at schools and government buildings aligned with the sex on their birth certificates.Republicans say the law does not promote discrimination. Hudson once worked for now-Gov. Pat McCrory, who signed the law.---4:05 p.m.North Carolina Democrats say its more important than ever Republican Gov. Pat McCrory and GOP lawmakers act now to repeal a transgender bathroom law the Atlantic Coast Conference cited in removing championship events from the state.Attorney General Roy Cooper is trying to unseat McCrory in November. He said Wednesday in a video that the decision by the ACCC and a similar one by the NCAA earlier this week are not just about sports, but local communities hosting these events suffering real economic blows.dddddddddddd Cooper says theres no end in sight to these losses until House Bill 2 is repealed. Cooper is a graduate of ACC member UNC-Chapel Hill.State Democratic Party Executive Director Kimberly Reynolds also said the ACCs decision could have been easily avoided with a repeal.Republican legislative leaders and McCrory have shown no signs of backing off the law involving LGBT rights and which bathrooms transgender people can use.---3:40 p.m.North Carolinas two public universities in the Atlantic Coast Conference say they support how member schools responded to a state law many believe lead to discrimination against LGBT people, even though the leagues decision may hurt state residents and communities.The ACCs Council of Presidents decided Wednesday to remove neutral-site league championships from North Carolina.The chancellors of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and N.C. State University said they appreciated the council reaffirming the leagues strong commitment to diversity and inclusion. Carol Folt at UNC and Randy Woodson at N.C. State said theyre glad championships scheduled for campus sites will remain in place.Woodson and Folt are council members. They said the schools remain committed to welcoming and supporting all people and protecting people from discrimination in many ways, including discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity.---2:55 p.m.The North Carolina state House leader says decisions this week by the NCAA and Atlantic Coast Conference to move championship events out of North Carolina are very unfortunate but he isnt backing down from supporting a state law that led to their actions.Speaker Tim Moore presided in March when the General Assembly approved House Bill 2, limiting anti-discrimination rules for LGBT people and governing which bathrooms transgender people can use at schools and government buildings. The two college athletics organizations cited the law in announcing their decision.Moore said the organizations can host events wherever they choose but the law was never about and does not promote discrimination. Moore went to the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, an ACC member.Legislative leaders have asked a federal court to rule that the law is legal.---1:40 p.m.The Atlantic Coast Conference has followed the NCAAs lead and is removing all its athletic championships from North Carolina over a state law that some say can lead to discrimination against LGBT people.The ACC Council of Presidents voted Wednesday to relocate the leagues championships until North Carolina repeals the law. The decision includes all championship this academic school year, which means relocating the ACC football title game that was scheduled to be played in Charlotte in December.On Monday, the NCAA said it was relocating seven of its championships scheduled to be played in the state, including the mens basketball first- and second-round matchups scheduled for next March in Greensboro, North Carolina.ACC Commissioner John Swofford said after the NCAAs decision that his league would review its next steps. ' ' '